Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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