I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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