Umm I'm too high to move.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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