didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
