i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
So many bounce houses so little time
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
