Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
