You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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