fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
