I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Randomize
