kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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