why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
how do flat chested girls get laid?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
