I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
