I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize