just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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