Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
