paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
