At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
