I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
