Taylor Swift is so right about you.
you traded sex for a burrito?
this boner is exhausting
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
