you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
