Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
