Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
