This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
