Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Let's paint friendship bongs
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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