My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
