they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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