there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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