it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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