Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
