New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
It's shark week go big or go home
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize