I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
