One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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