and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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