Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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