Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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