Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Fuck appropriateness.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Damn victory sex feels great
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
