that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
