he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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