we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
