It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
