Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
