I wish my penis had an off switch
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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