somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
