Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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