I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
