I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
