I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
