Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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