haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
