I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
