I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
