I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
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