We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
