I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
