Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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