4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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