Soap is not a condiment
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
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