Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
